sooooo i like a boy. no surprise, there.

all is well. feel great. :)

friday and saturday.

i think i've finally decided to only drink on fridays and saturdays. i don't have work the next day, i'm not trying to kid myself into quitting completely, and i need to lose some of this weight.

i feel this is a realistic, attainable goal, and i'm looking forward to seeing some results!

:)

goals:

write at least 3x a week.

read.

walk.

go on a date.

easy enough, i suppose. :)

:|

it is inappropriate for me to have a crush on a guy i didn't really know from high school whom i talk to 3x a week who just moved to long beach county.

totally.

and yet...

to my friend/s, the lawyer/s...

dear chris,

go.

go forth.

go forth into the fray and exuuuude the law. be the law. you ARE the law.

*very* little known fact… instead of doctor, i played lawyer. well, judge. peter the rabbit was the prosecution, corduroy the bear the defense, and i… i was judge. jury. and, oh… oh and there were executions involved (a rather gory example being a mass hanging of my sister’s barbies from the swing set in the backyard [we tried to negotiate, but the required dill pickle spears simple never appeared]). no, i’m not kidding. i liked the idea of setting things the “way they should be.”

(my sense of entitlement at age eight is not surprising, really.)

anyway.

i’m in awe of you. so much work goes into what you people do, and i’m jealous. i’m jealous because, well, quite frankly, i don’t have that kind of commitment in me, and i’m really proud of you for all the work you’ve put into this next chapter in your life.

i know our friendship is new, and has had its ins and outs, but my pride remains nonetheless.

anyway… good luck w/ finals. when i have a big project that i have to hunker-down for due i always bake a nice batch of cookies, have lots of snacks on hand, and surround myself with lovely inspirational images and messages, haha. silly, but works for me.

miss you face!! go get ‘em. :)

xoxo,

jr

theme for english b.

the instructor said,

“go home and write

a page tonight.

and let that page come out of you--

then, it will be true.”

i can’t be that easy... right?

let’s see-- i am 27, unmarried, from a strange place.

schooled amongst the bovine

i began anew at the sea

then traversed the back of the holy cross

to this valley of transistors and chips

into the belly of st. joseph

where i sit down and write this page:

this is an unexpectedly difficult phase of life.

freed from familial shackles

and the chains of conformity

yet a prisoner to the letters behind my name

and the bitch of living.

to be a one in a land of twos is lonely...

were you expecting anyone else to join you, tonight?

youth, learning, laughing, loving are what keep me going;

despite appearances

i keep my thoughts and feelings my own,

my mask kinda stuck on.

to those my own age and of my tribe i can hardly relate,

yet it is within the young

i find acceptance,

and friendship,

and love.

while your learning concrete,

bound by meaningless scores and grades,

the knowledge i accrue

runs deep and

hits me to the core,

awakening the fire within me to burn,

and spread,

and grow.

this is my page for english b.

self-love.

i've been watching HGTV all day-- i love it probably too much considering i don't think i'll ever own my own home.

i've tried to take care of myself as much as possible today: i cleaned, i steamed myself an artichoke and enjoyed it, i rearranged my bedroom, i did a little art project.

i've had a nagging, persistent headache today, and i'm nervous about taking these meds again tonight.

i just feel like crying and being held. i'm tired of feeling this way and don't know how much longer i can cope. i'm scared for the summer to come, bc i'm afraid i'm just going to do the same thing i did last summer, which was soooo self-destructive.

i really hate myself right now. i think i'm garbage. :/

i have *got* to do it this time.

Jessie J - Who You Are (Boombox Series)

this song makes me wanna fall in love. :)

"Don't judge a book by its cover. Don't judge a dog by its breed."

i've chosen.

i've decided finding a boyfriend is more important than drinking, and the next man i sleep with will be that boyfriend.

it's always been my decision to make, and i know my friends and family have been waiting for me to do so.

so...

thank you. you've been there for me when no one else was. you were there for me during my terrible first job. you were there for me when the love of my life broke my heart into a million little pieces. you were there for me during the last year and a half as i swept up those 999, 995 pieces (he'll always have at least five of them). so, thank you. you've been my constant. but our relationship, as it's been, is no longer healthy. we'll still chat from time to time, but, i'm sorry... it's not me. it's you. ;)

xoxo,

jamesy

p.s. i'm ready to be back, bitches.

THE DRIVERS SEAT (1974) Elizabeth Taylor applies Eye Make Up * Intense

butterfly.

my relationship with my sister is, to say the least, interesting.

we were one another's playmates growing up: i was the student to her teacher, she the cowboy to my indian (the indians always won in my history), my fort-building partner.

school was difficult for us... i was great at it. she was not. academically i excelled easily. she did not. she followed me into the vocal world where i was instantly successful at a young age. she was not. between us grew a resentment; it was never spoken about but was omnipresent.

the rift widened after i graduated from hs. she's never managed to hold on to friends for any significant amount of time, and her c/o 2003 were particularly hard on her. granted she's not "easy" to be friends with, but she has a great heart and (most usually) only as the purest of intentions. as i matriculated to davis, entering a new and amazing and fabulous phase of my life, she floundered. she was unhappy and unsuccessful her last two years of hs, and thusly ended up at the local junior college, once again falling into my shadow.

i'm aware of this. i'm aware of the effect i've had on her psyche. but there's nothing i could have done about it. i was humble, and nice, and kind.

then i came out.

that did not go well.

she called me a faggot, told me i was going to hell, and asked me if i was "really what our parents wanted in a son."

i've forgiven her, but one doesn't forget words as mean as those.

anyway, it took a long time. she had to be dumped by her fiancee. she had to "break up" with the "christian" church. she went through a slut phase (she was soooo fun in that phase). she grew to love xander, and for that i am eternally grateful.

yet we remain distant. i am, in truth, intellectually beyond her. i live 100 miles away. i "got out" and made something of myself.

again, i'm aware of the effect i've have on her psyche. but there's nothing i can do about it. i am humble, and nice, and kind.

this last weekend she came for a visit, and it was really nice. we haven't spoken of it, but i know we both want to work on our relationship. i want her to be a part of my life (my mother is estranged from her siblings). i want our kids to know one another. no, i don't like her boyfriend. i think he's going to break her.

i think, waaaaaay deep down, she knows it too.

so, my dearest kimberly... the kim to my jim... i love you. you're out of your mind but in a way only i will ever understand.

(ps i'm on the left, she on the right.)

:D

new chapter.

i've been selected to be hhs's newest avid (link) teacher.

it hasn't quite set in yet. i am honoured, and overwhelmed, and deeply, deeply humbled.

i can't WAIT to meet my kids... and i get to this week!! the other avid teachers and i will be traveling to our two feeder schools to interview the kids, and figure out if they and i and the program will be a good match.

however i'm super-intimidated by this. i *don't* interact with young kiddos at all so it'll be interesting, to say the least. and i'm not exactly... normal. i mean the relationship i have with my cherubs is one of the more unique on campus, so i'm trying to figure out how to give them a dosage of vitamin j strong enough for them to know what they're getting into, but not enough to give them a seizure.

that'll be the first day of class.

it just FITS. i'm not a good teacher b/c i know the most about english and/or writing, i'm a great teacher b/c i know how to connect with the kids, and inspire them, and make them realize that they are special (in their own way) and unique and LOVED.

and i do. i love them blindly. and the kids that *get* it really get that. and that's what avid is all about... it's about getting the kids to understand and believe how fucking awesome they are. i mean that's pretty much it.

and i can do that.

A Walk in the WoRds: Diagramming Sentences: The Syntactic Tree

A Walk in the WoRds: Diagramming Sentences: The Syntactic Tree

Das Beer Boot Music Video

i'm confused and turned on all at the same time.

adele.

is the real fucking deal (link).

el pollo loco.

it's real and it's deep.

i get my relationship with chicken from my mother.

watching jamie sue get down with a plate a bbq chicken is next to nothing.

(that's not true. dad, sister, and i once had to shield ourselves with lobster-bibs from my mother whom was furiously pounding crab with a little hammer at a crab-shack in the everglades. bitch. doesn't. mess.)

there's something just so comforting about it-- it may be the cup of fat per bird, hmmm.

in truth, i learned how to cook my signature, panty-dropping dish, roast chicken, from my x (spelling intentional). it's actually one of my favorite memories of him, and it brings about warm feelings every time i make one. i like that. :)

anyway, i have a chicken and potatoes roasting, just the way i was taught to do.

i'd like to say i'm cooking it for someone special, but i'm not. nor will i be anytime in the future.

i may be a bit broken, but i still know what i want/need out of a boyfriend, and a call/text a week is not that. he's a super-nice guy, and if he ever figures it the fuck out i'm not one to shut doors forever, but i'm not about to wait around for him to figure it out.

trust. ;)

march.

will be a dry month.

too much going on, and i need to focus.

Location:Pedro St,San Jose,United States

anxiety.

so, i freak out.

my anxiety is fueled by my alcohol intake and my alcohol intake is veryoftentimes fueled by my anxiety.

yes, i am aware of the obvious solution.

no, it's not that simple.

i have been awake for five hours, and all i can do is just *think*... i hate thinking. i don't want to be a thinker. i just want to be.

it was a bad weekend. let's turn it around before i go back to work tomorrow, shall we?

mania.

he called

no, he *really* likes me.

calm the fuck, down, jim. calm down.

children.

i have two children:

no, seriously.

i look at them and i cry.

i got them when i was 25 and sometimes all i can think about is the fact that indoor cats live ~fifteen years.

which means i'll be forty when they, y'know, die.

they've been my everything for four years. literally.

clemente and ambrosia.

crap.

no, seriously, y'all are cacamami.

fuckin' mormons (link).

i'll show you some golden tablets.

need/want/desire.

if you're clever enough to have found me via thefacebook...

via said thefacebook..

i fucking want a child. i'd (i WILL) be an amazing father.

mistake.

london. (link)

paris. (link)

barthelona. (link)

beijing. (link)

i'm literally bawling.

i'm not supposed to be here.

son of.

nope, i was wrong.


crazy girl thoughts in full effect. i fucked it up.

left/right.

i really like this image.i feel it encapsulates a lot of what i'm feeling atm. more on that later.

manfriend.

so, there's this guy.

he's nice... i mean, i'm at the stage in my life to where i'm not gonna date a dude unless he's of a certain caliber, so let's just assume he's rad.

however.

he's 33 (rapidly approaching 34) and has never had a bf. i am well aware this is a pretty big red flag, but frankly i'm not spring chicken myself. he wants a bf and he tells me i'm the first guy he doesn't freak out around (he's absolutely petrified of being in a relationship but is even more so petrified about, y'know, dying alone), so that's a pretty great thing. right?

here's my issue: the gay divorce of 2009 fucked. me. up. leaving me with essentially no self-esteem whatsoever. it's gotten a lot better and that is another of the goals therapist and i are working on-- recognizing the things in myself that i like, that i think are attractive/valuable, blah blah blah. back to the issue... he sucks at communication. i don't feel bad writing about this, as he totally owns up to it. we've been dating for going on a month, slept together a few times, and have at least determined that we're "exclusive." we've gotten into the habit of seeing one another about once a week or so, and i don't necessarily need a whole lot more than that right now, but he won't return text messages or phone calls.

i mean... cue crazy girl thoughts.

when he doesn't text me back (and it's not like i expect him to right away... but later that night? yea, i think he can manage that.) it makes me feel like he's just not that into me.

okay this is why this blog is a good idea, because just reading those last few words makes me roll my own eyes at myself.

i'm gonna calm my tits (link), here, because, really, it's what needs to happen. he likes me. he's a great guy. he is NOT h.w.s.n.b.n. and i need to respect him for the man he is.

but i still want/need more attention. we'll work on that.

organizing the bookcase.

we're all the same, star dust and stuff.

perfect.

i know it's fucking saccharine, but i endeavour for nothing more than for a guy to look into my eyes and say "i got you, you'll be okay."

le sigh.

bad teacher.

i think this movie looks hilarious (i just corrected myself from using the word hysterical b/c it's sexist) and spot. fucking. on.

"they're really expensive, per tit."

"yea, and you gotta get two of 'em."

love me some cammie diaz.

p.s. also love phyllis from "the office."

vin.

let's not beat around the bush:

i like the sauce.

it's one of the main reasons i'm here... single (see previous post), anxiety-ridden, and living in a shitty apartment. i've lost friends because of it, my work has suffered, and, ultimately, it's to blame for my breakup with h.w.s.n.b.n..

i'm in treatment for it. i've been seeing a therapist for going on six months now and there's been a lot of progress... like, a lot.

i mean what we've been working on more than anything else is the root-- why i feel the need to drink to excess on purpose. there are a lot of reasons... excuses... as to why: leaving davis, being alone, falling in love with a man whom was unavailable, a shitty job, and then living with said unavailable man who, it turns out, was more unavailable than i ever thought possible.

a quintessential case of escapism, really.

i just have a lot of feelings (link).

but that's okay. i'm learning it's a blessing and a curse. i'd rather be overly sensitive than insensitive, trust.

however, as stated, a lot of progress has been made. i don't drink when i'm sad anymore, and i do my best to only drink on the weekends.

i didn't drink for 32 days and that made me feel really good about myself. and thanks to my friends and family i'm learning how to self-moderate and "behave" as dad likes to put it.

at the end of the day i feel a lot better than i did a year ago, which is really all that matters.

i'm fully able to admit that i didn't get here in no-time, and i fully accept that it won't take no-time to get back to good behavior.

yea, this blog is gonna be real. i'm cool with it.

"why" i'm alone.

there has been an article lately that's been getting a lot of attn:

why you're not married (link.)

the general gist of it is, supposedly, there is one or a combination thereof of the following six qualities that has deemed you an undesirable:

1. you're a bitch

2. you're shallow

3. you're a slut

4. you're a liar

5. you're selfish

6. you're not good enough

i was really intrigued/entertained by the article, if not for the pure inanity of it all. taking into account that we're all ALL of those things at times, the author is a complete #1... i mean she states that she's been married 3x and she's 41. fuck you, lady... fuck you for being able to "make the mistake" of your first two marriages and yet i can't. (not that i want to make two marriage mistakes before i get to the good one, but i digress.)

anyway.

i resent being "informed" as to the reason of my singledom, as it were. i think you have to be a bitch in order to assert yourself and what you want/need in a relationship, i think there's clearly a bit of shallowness involved in weeding through potentials, in terms of being a slut i... well i don't think there's anything wrong with a (safe) healthy sexual appetite... i don't really get into lying but i understand polishing out the rough edges/omitting unnecessary info, being selfish can aide in making sure you don't settle, and... well she may have a bit of a point on the last one. but that's for another post.

THE POINT IS... i think she's way off base. i think there are soooo many reasons as to why one is single.

hence, the rebuttal (link).

what this second author does *brilliantly* is lay out the fucking myriad reasons as to why one can be and/or (get this) choose to be single.

i mean, i'm feeling it:

as i hurtle toward my fourth decade, i am PAINFULLY aware of my single, childless existence. just in this 2011 there have been no less than two dozen marriage/baby announcements; this isn't bitterness, mind you; i want and will have those things-- that's non-negotiable-- but as the second author states, "we all have issues."

am i single? yes (although i've recently started dating a very nice man, so that could be up for debate in the near future). am i okay with it?

...

yea, i am. :)

catharsis.

in an ever-present need to find creative outlets, i think i'd like to start writing.

i haven't kept a blog for a few years, so we'll give it shot. additionally, there really something is in my head telling me to write down my stories/ramblings/musings.

goals: express my thoughts and frustrations in a healthy way. provide useful commentary on article, pictures, videos i find interesting in some way. work on my writing skills.

facts/stats: aged 27. 6'3". 197 lbs (as of this past weekend, wahoo!!). i teach high school english in cupertino. i am single (though working on it). i live in willow glen with clemente and ambrosia. i do not use capital letters very often.

that should do for now. i would like to update often; not just for myself but for the relief of those that follow me on thefacebook. this should be fun, though i expect it to be difficult at times, especially as i really start to explore what's going on inside.

andiamo!