sooooo i like a boy. no surprise, there.

all is well. feel great. :)

friday and saturday.

i think i've finally decided to only drink on fridays and saturdays. i don't have work the next day, i'm not trying to kid myself into quitting completely, and i need to lose some of this weight.

i feel this is a realistic, attainable goal, and i'm looking forward to seeing some results!

:)

goals:

write at least 3x a week.

read.

walk.

go on a date.

easy enough, i suppose. :)

:|

it is inappropriate for me to have a crush on a guy i didn't really know from high school whom i talk to 3x a week who just moved to long beach county.

totally.

and yet...

to my friend/s, the lawyer/s...

dear chris,

go.

go forth.

go forth into the fray and exuuuude the law. be the law. you ARE the law.

*very* little known fact… instead of doctor, i played lawyer. well, judge. peter the rabbit was the prosecution, corduroy the bear the defense, and i… i was judge. jury. and, oh… oh and there were executions involved (a rather gory example being a mass hanging of my sister’s barbies from the swing set in the backyard [we tried to negotiate, but the required dill pickle spears simple never appeared]). no, i’m not kidding. i liked the idea of setting things the “way they should be.”

(my sense of entitlement at age eight is not surprising, really.)

anyway.

i’m in awe of you. so much work goes into what you people do, and i’m jealous. i’m jealous because, well, quite frankly, i don’t have that kind of commitment in me, and i’m really proud of you for all the work you’ve put into this next chapter in your life.

i know our friendship is new, and has had its ins and outs, but my pride remains nonetheless.

anyway… good luck w/ finals. when i have a big project that i have to hunker-down for due i always bake a nice batch of cookies, have lots of snacks on hand, and surround myself with lovely inspirational images and messages, haha. silly, but works for me.

miss you face!! go get ‘em. :)

xoxo,

jr

theme for english b.

the instructor said,

“go home and write

a page tonight.

and let that page come out of you--

then, it will be true.”

i can’t be that easy... right?

let’s see-- i am 27, unmarried, from a strange place.

schooled amongst the bovine

i began anew at the sea

then traversed the back of the holy cross

to this valley of transistors and chips

into the belly of st. joseph

where i sit down and write this page:

this is an unexpectedly difficult phase of life.

freed from familial shackles

and the chains of conformity

yet a prisoner to the letters behind my name

and the bitch of living.

to be a one in a land of twos is lonely...

were you expecting anyone else to join you, tonight?

youth, learning, laughing, loving are what keep me going;

despite appearances

i keep my thoughts and feelings my own,

my mask kinda stuck on.

to those my own age and of my tribe i can hardly relate,

yet it is within the young

i find acceptance,

and friendship,

and love.

while your learning concrete,

bound by meaningless scores and grades,

the knowledge i accrue

runs deep and

hits me to the core,

awakening the fire within me to burn,

and spread,

and grow.

this is my page for english b.

self-love.

i've been watching HGTV all day-- i love it probably too much considering i don't think i'll ever own my own home.

i've tried to take care of myself as much as possible today: i cleaned, i steamed myself an artichoke and enjoyed it, i rearranged my bedroom, i did a little art project.

i've had a nagging, persistent headache today, and i'm nervous about taking these meds again tonight.

i just feel like crying and being held. i'm tired of feeling this way and don't know how much longer i can cope. i'm scared for the summer to come, bc i'm afraid i'm just going to do the same thing i did last summer, which was soooo self-destructive.

i really hate myself right now. i think i'm garbage. :/